The Undertaker retires, John Cena proposes
to Nikki Bella and The Hardy Boyz return to
The Ultimate Thrill Ride was possibly the
most newsworthy Wrestlemania in the show’s
I’m Oli Davis and this is my Wrestlemania
33 review… in about fo-whoah.
Are you serious?
It’s like 20 hour long event.
I’m not even entirely sure Wrestlemania’s
As great as this year’s Wrestlemania was,
the crucial point is, it’s way too long.
I can say this was a memorable return, or
that was the actual end of an era, but the
fact of the matter is – that was seven hours
A two hour pre-show, followed by just over
five hours of main card.
No normal people come out of a Lord of the
Rings extended edition marathon beaming ‘what
a leap forward in motion capture CGI Gollum
was,’ or ‘Damn, the Battle of Helms Deep
had some great high spots’.
They collapse in a heap on the floor and say,
No more fantasy.
That was too much fantasy.
I believe that one of the most important parts
of entertainment is knowing when enough is
Quality is far superior to quantity.
I say it about Raw all the time.
Wrestlemania was heavily, heavily hindered
With that said, here’s an attempt at reviewing
everything in about four minutes
Neville beat Austin Aries
Even at Wrestlemania, the Cruiserweight matches
still have a commercial break in them.
Neville retained a decent bout.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Something called The Gronk happened here.
I’m not entirely sure what a Gronk is, and
it seemed at least one security didn’t either.
The Gronk’s friend Mojo Rawley won.
Dean Ambrose beat Baron Corbin
Ambrose retained against Corbin in a slightly
below average match.
AJ Styles beat Shane McMahon
It’s main card time, two hours in.
AJ Styles took on Shane McMahon in a straight-up
wrestling match that only got good when it
became a street fight.
I couldn’t buy into Shane being on AJ’s
It’s one thing to say McMahon’s a crazy,
It’s quite another to portray him as an
The match found its groove when the referee
was knocked out.
Cue trash cans, shooting stars and announcer
Thankfully AJ won.
Kevin Owens beat Chris Jericho
After one of the best breakup segments in
Raw’s history, and months of storyline behind
them, Kevin Owens beating Chris Jericho felt
There were good spots, especially the one
finger pinfall break, but they couldn’t
capture the emotional magic of either the
Festival of Friendship or KO’s Battleground
match with Sami Zayn last year.
Bayley beat Nia Jax & Charlotte & Sasha Banks
Taking their cue from the NXT TakeOver match
the previous night, heels and babyfaces united
to eliminate the monster first – which was
a great way to both protect and showcase Nia
Corkscrew moonsault aside, everything afterwards
fell flat, though.
Imagine if this was where Bayley won the title
instead of a throwaway episode of Raw, or
Charlotte’s pay-per-view streak was still
An OK match that could’ve been so much more.
Hardy Boyz beat Galanderson, Sheamaro & Enzo
& Big Cass
Before the Raw three-way tag ladder match
got going, The New Day came out to announce
this was now a four-way.
‘Oh, great,’ I thought.
‘The Wrestlemania hosts have entered themselves
in the match’ – somehow genuinely forgetting
the weeks of Hardy Boyz return reports and
the ladder match stipulation.
I yelped out loud when Matt and Jeff returned,
and they followed it up with the second best
match of the night, winning the Raw tag titles.
This was the year’s first Wrestlemania moment.
John Cena & Nikki Bella beat The Miz & Maryse
John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse
– the build was great, the post-match angle
The match itself…well, there was a good
Lethal Leap Year 30th Anniversary sign in
John Cena sucks, Nikki Bella’s plastic,
he probably proposed months ago – I don’t
I’m a romantic at heart, and Cena proposing
to Nikki after winning was genuinely heartwarming.
Wrestlemania moment number 2.
Seth Rollins beat Triple H
Rollins and Triple H had a really good match
with some fantastic character moments – Seth
selling his knee, Triple H seeing a sledgehammer,
and The Game accidentally knocking Stephanie
McMahon through a table.
That’s for you Mick Foley, Sasha Banks,
Sami Zayn – and all the Raw wrestlers who’ve
been buried without revenge.
Unfortunately, following The Hardys return
and Cena proposal, the crowd were mostly indifferent.
Randy Orton beat Bray Wyatt
Orton and Bray had a really disappointing
The psyche-out projections of squirming insects
on the ring mat was different, but didn’t
work in either story-line or practice.
Orton severed Wyatt’s supernatural power
on the go-home Smackdown, and it looked overly
Brock Lesnar beat Goldberg
Brock Lesnar beating Goldberg for the Universal
Title, however, was my favourite match of
It felt like a big time boxing fight.
Two guys who had been kept apart for months,
great entrances, a super hot crowd, and only
four different moves: jackhammer, spear, suplex
After a night of 15 to 20 minute matches,
and some severe wrestling fatigue setting
in, this five minute highlight reel was perfect.
Smackdown Women’s Championship Six-Pack
After all the reports and rumours of women
from WWE’s past returning for this match,
it was just the six women already announced.
Naomi made Bliss tap, regaining the title
in her home state.
Roman Reigns beat The Undertaker
Roman Reigns and The Undertaker got the main
event spot – an entire feud based on a property
dispute – who does this yard belong to?
Jim Ross joined the announcers table to help
Just the sound of JR’s voice exposed the
rest of the night’s commentary as very sub-par.
The match wasn’t good, with Undertaker’s
body seemingly too broken down to wrestle
at his usually high Wrestlemania standard.
The botched tombstone reversal spot was awkward
Taker finally lost after the match’s seventh
spear or something, meaning Reigns now has
full planning permission for the yard.
Afterwards, it became obvious why Roman couldn’t
turn heel here.
It would give the match the wrong kind of
heat considering what was about to come: the
retirement of The Deadman, where The Undertaker
performed the slowest and saddest strip tease
I’ve ever seen, leaving his hat, gloves
and coat in the ring.
That’s a lie actually.
That honor goes to a woman in Liverpool who
had very few teeth and accepted a £5 WHSmith
voucher as payment.
It was heartbreaking to see him go.
That isn’t just a wrestling legend retiring,
it’s a part of our lives, a significant
chapter in our childhoods ending.
Wrestlemania moment number three.
Stanley Kubrick always said you need three
really memorable scenes to make a classic
Wrestlemania completed that rule and then
some, with three incredible angles to be a
fan: The Hardys return, Cena’s proposal
and Undertaker’s retirement.
But Kubrick didn’t make seven hour films.
I’m not saying there should’ve been more
I’m saying there should’ve been a lot
Imagine if this was just an eight match card,
that ran four hours.
It would’ve been all killer, no filler top
What did you all think?
Let me know in the comments down below.
And find out all the details on the Hardy
Boyz’ WWE return, and watch my latest WrestleSketch
on how Goldberg prepared for his Wrestlemania
33 match by clicking the videos to the left,
I’ve been Oli Davis, and that was wrestling.